im trying so rediculously hard not to burst out just crying hysterically. Im pretty sure I made the right decision but it just hurts so bad.. I wish I could be there. i would be there right now. I would be breaking myself and seeking God.. I guess im just confused about weither or not i was supposed to be there.. why God made me get pregnant so I couldnt go. They would have let me still go if I had sex but the pregnancy thing really signed it over. the past 5 years of my life I dreamed about it.. about moving to Texas and devoting an entire year to nothing else but God... Now I cant. I have to break myself here and work so hard for little benifits. I wanted to go to gain friends, to find girls that i could talk to and share my heart with. I guess God wants to show me that I dont have to go to Texas to devote my life to God. But its so hard. I would be there right now in session. Doing a crazy amount of pushups, sit ups, running and stretching at 430 in the morning. I want that soooo bad.

I am excited about the baby. But I just wish I could have gotten pregnant after the HA. My dream has been crushed.. But i guess God knows what He is doing.


Tim might come up next wednesday if he can get off work. Itd be nice to see him.